Our  Community Covenant

Canterbury Episcopal Campus Ministry is a Texas Tech student organization, providing a place of faith for students of like minds to come together as one, but this description does not exhaust all that Canterbury is. Canterbury is also an Episcopal ministry of the Episcopal Diocese of Northwest Texas and functions very similarly to a church.  In fact, many Canterbury members think of Canterbury as their church.

These features in combination mean that Canterbury is a complex Christian community that invites all people (despite religious affiliation) to fellowship, worship, study, and service that cannot be reduced to a simple model.  Canterbury is both like a church but more than a church, and like a student organization but more than a student organization.  Because living together in intentional community requires mutual respect of each and every member, we promise to live the rules of our shared community covenant.

For Canterbury’s community covenant to serve its stated purpose, it is crucial that each member of Canterbury understand it clearly and embrace it sincerely. In joining this covenant, we are joining in a covenant with other members of the Canterbury community, promising to respect the dignity of every person in this space and even the space itself. If you do not wish to live under the provisions of this covenant, you should not agree to it and refrain from attending Canterbury. But if you do agree to it, it should be with the full intention of living with integrity under its provisions.  Failure to attend to any part of the covenant could result in your expulsion from our community.

 

Our Community Covenant

Our mission at Canterbury is to show God's love by being an open-minded and inclusive community of faith for the students of Texas Tech University.  We value sacramental worship, spiritual growth, and biblical faith, and we live these values together through intentional relationships in a supportive community.

Being Episcopalian is at the core of our identity.  In the Baptismal Covenant of the Episcopal Church, we pledge to respect the dignity of every human being. As a community that regularly discusses ideas, feelings, and sensitive topics, Canterbury takes very seriously our elevated responsibility to practice and model that respect in all our interactions with one another. Therefore, as an Episcopal organization, we agree to honor:

  1. The ethic of mutual respect.  Respect is the foundation of humane and ethical behavior, and mutual respect underpins good relationships. To have respect for a person involves a fundamental belief in their right to exist, to be heard, and to have the same opportunities as everyone else.

  2. A high tolerance for the exchange and exploration of ideas. Anglican and Episcopal identity hinge not on our doctrinal conformity but on our willingness to meet God together in worship. Thus, respect for individual conscience and evolving processes of collective discernment are key to our formation.

  3. An expectation of respectful communication. Intentional community cannot happen if we are not respectful with one another.  Our community must value and practice these rules provided on the following pages if we are going to succeed in our mission to show God’s love by being an open-minded and inclusive community of faith for the students of Texas Tech University.

  4. A zero-tolerance policy for threatening language, aggression, bullying, and physical or psychological violence.   These behaviors are inappropriate in any community, including ours. With that said, sarcasm, scorn, and passive-aggressive humor walk a dangerous line, one that all should avoid in hopes of allowing each other maximum room to assume positive intent and thus to keep on learning with and from one another.  We take bullying and aggressive communication very seriously. In a case where such a concern is raised by a member, steps will be taken by the leadership to clarify the concern, provide mediation, invite reconciliation if it is desired, and ban participation by members if they are unwilling to productively change problematic behavior. See the Canterbury constitution and by-laws for the official process for community expulsion.

 

Communication Guidelines

  •  It’s OK to disagree

    • Pushing people to agree with you usually has the opposite effect.  Family Systems Theory calls this the “Law of Triangles.”  If you are upset that someone doesn’t agree with you, ask yourself why?  What part of you is upset?  Remember, you can’t control what other people think or believe even if you feel like what they think or believe is irrational. 

  • Practice both/and thinking

    • Not every question has an either/or right answer, especially when it comes to the subject of faith. The opposite of a profound truth may be another profound truth, not an opposing truth. “BUT” is a warning that Both/And thinking is not being practiced. “BUT” is generally diminutive, not additive. “BUT” shrinks back while “AND” expands.

  • Try-on ideas

    • Be willing to try-on ideas, ways of thinking or being that you may never have considered before, even or perhaps especially if you have a gut instinct to reject it out of hand. 

  •  Respond rather than react

    • Reacting is an automatic, emotional response to a situation, while responding is a thoughtful, deliberate action. Reactions tend to go like this: Something happens. You panic. Then you proceed. Responses tend to go like this: Something happens. You pause. You process. You plan. Then you proceed.  The benefits of responding over reacting are numerous. By choosing to respond, we can make better decisions, improve our relationships, reduce stress, and increase trust and respect between ourselves and others. Ultimately, cultivating the ability to respond thoughtfully can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious life. There are several strategies we can use to respond instead of react in challenging situations. These include taking a deep breath to calm ourselves, pausing before speaking to gather our thoughts, and asking questions to clarify the situation and better understand the other person's perspective.

  • Practice curiosity

    • Instead of becoming defensive about your own ideas, try expressing curiosity (unironically and without sarcasm).  Curiosity is incredibly valuable in difficult conversations because it allows you to listen actively, to understand the other person's perspective deeply, and to foster a more open and productive dialogue by focusing on seeking information rather than defending your own position, ultimately leading to better resolution and stronger relationships.  It essentially shifts the conversation from "being right" to “learning together.” Curiosity is the only approach to disagreeing with others that values other people as people by giving them the space to be who they are.

    • The goal in our conversations is never to come to full agreement.  The goal is never to convert.  The goal is never to evangelize (for whatever reason and for whatever cause).  Our goal is to have fruitful and healthy conversations that respect the dignity of all involved.

  •  Practice empathetic listening

    • Try to assume the best in people.  If you were offended by someone’s words and actions, ask clarifying statements to understand where they were coming from.  Don’t assume that they are rude or mean.  It is possible they are simply ignorant and need a calm friend to guide them in the right direction.  Harsh criticism, lashing out, name calling, not letting things go, and bullying, are not only forbidden at Canterbury, but these toxic behaviors often push people to rebel against your unempathetic behavior.

    • To be clear, even at their healthiest moments, people can seem defensive when approached about their offensive language or actions. The reason for this is that most people don’t go around seeking to hurt other people, and it can take them a while to cope with their failure to create a safe place for you.  It is also possible that your conversation has touched on a deep wound in them that needs empathy rather than judgement.  This is where curiosity becomes your friend. Try to empathetically understand where they are coming from.  Offering empathy to the offender can lead to a growing sense of empathy for you and the boundaries that you need to feel safe in your own body and in the environment at Canterbury.

    • Just remember: empathy can make a person feel very vulnerable and, when practiced, can feel so scary, but empathy is at the very heart of mutual respect. 

  •  Examine your own assumptions and perceptions

    • We are all growing, and we benefit from the perceptions, knowledge, and wisdom of other people who think differently than we do.  Be open-minded, and examine and challenge your own assumptions and perceptions, which leads to growth and maturity of values and beliefs.

  • Beware of projection

    • Keep in mind that we often have conversations with ideas we have about people as opposed to the actual people.  What does this mean?  It means that we often project onto other people conversations we had with someone else, relationships we had with others, attributes we would “expect” for this person to have, etc.  Try to practice empathetic listening and curiosity to see if you can move beyond those projections to the meat of the conversation.

    • This means that you will need to sit with the big feelings that you get when around certain people.  Realize that big feelings are often triggered from painful experiences in your past.  What you are feeling when being triggered is valid.  Our feelings are a way of telling us to pay attention to what is happening to us.  However, feelings are not good indicators of reality.  It is important to sit with big feelings when having difficult conversation because the people in front of us don’t deserve to carry the baggage of our previous experiences, traumas, relationships, and biases. As mentioned above, do your best to respond rather than react.

  •  Self-focus – “I” language

    • Focus on your own thoughts and feelings without universalizing them or assuming everyone else agrees. Use “I” language to share your experiences, perspectives, and opinions. Be aware of how you are feeling and ask yourself what your feelings might be telling you. Share your feelings when appropriate.

  •  Offering your opinion

    • Before offering your opinion in a shared space (structured or not), try rehearsing your thoughts in your head before you say them.  Try to decide if your opinion will actually be helpful to the conversation.  If your opinion breaks any of the rules for respectful communication given here, keep those thoughts on the inside. If you have decided that your opinion is worth expressing, first, signal your openness to other’s views if possible (unironically and without sarcasm).  Then state your opinion, reminding yourself that you don’t have to apologize but, likewise, that you are not the source of all truth.  Do not intimidate your conversation partner.  If you are feeling big feelings, reflect on why you are feeling big feelings.  Those feelings are for you to deal with, not your conversation partner.  Remember, you cannot control the other people in the room, and you shouldn’t try.  If you would like to continue in the conversation and you feel like you can remain composed, express curiosity using I statements and calm body posture.  If you cannot remain composed, it is best for you to exit the conversation. 

  •  Opinion vs. fact

    • Facts are statements “that have objective content and are well-supported by the available evidence.”  Opinions, on the other hand, are statements “that are either subjective or else not well supported by the available evidence.”

      • At Canterbury, we very much value well-supported and evidence-based content.  Do not dismiss a person’s perspective by calling it “just an opinion,” unless you have evidence to support your own claim. Despite its unclear meaning, the claim “That’s just your opinion” has a clear use: It is a conversation-stopper. It’s a way of diminishing a claim, reducing it to a mere matter of taste which lies beyond dispute. The “opinion” label is used not only to belittle others’ stances, but also to deflate one’s own. In recognizing that a personal belief differs sharply from that of other individuals and cultures, one may conclude, “I guess that’s just my opinion – no better than anyone else’s.” This conclusion may stem from an admirable humility. On the other hand, it can have pernicious effects: it leads to a kind of wishy-washiness, wherein one refrains from standing up for one’s convictions for fear of imposing “mere opinions.” Such reticence conflicts with common sense: surely some opinions are more thoughtful, more informed, more coherent, and more important than others.  Therefore, while open dialogue is important at Canterbury, so are intellectual standards.  You are invited to approach your faith here at Canterbury with the same intellectual rigor you approach your classes at Texas Tech.  As a community, we should never diminish such exploration and curiosity.  

  • Opinion vs. lived experience

    • Canterbury is home to a host of marginalized people groups, from women, to people of color, to LGBTQIA+ folks, to neurodivergent people, and these folks must be treated with the same mutual respect as anyone else.  In order to do so, we must understand the differences between lived experience and opinion.  So, here are some things to keep in mind:

      • As mentioned above, opinions are statements “that are either subjective or else not well supported by the available evidence.”  The term lived experience is used to describe “the first-hand accounts and impressions of living as a member of a minority or oppressed group.” For example, when women talk about what it's like to be women in a predominantly male community, they are describing their lived experiences.  People often discount accounts of lived experience, saying: "I never saw that happen."  "I know a person in that group and she says it didn't happen to her."  “Logically, that shouldn't happen (and so it doesn't)."  Here at Canterbury, we value the lived experience of each other, and we agree to honor each other’s experience, recognizing that your opinion does not supersede the lived experience of a person on the margins.  When a person on the margins shares their story, consider it an honor and listen empathetically.  Do not comment on their life.  Do not give value judgments.  Do not make suggestions.  Do not theorize about their marginalization.  And, certainly, do not correct them for the way they live their lives.  Just listen and learn something from this person.

      • Likewise, if people within the same community are discussing something important to the community, please do not offer your opinion.  When a person outside of the community offers unsolicited comments or advice, it feels icky and may cause further damage to a marginalized person if you choose to perpetuate harmful stereotypes or misinformation.  Just know that your opinion is not warranted unless it is asked for.  Why?  You DO NOT have the lived experience of that community; therefore, you cannot speak knowledgably about it (even if you are marginalized in another way).

      • Don’t expect all marginalized people to be your teacher.  Obviously, as a person outside of the community, you will have questions about the experience of a marginalized person because you have never lived with these experiences.  But a marginalized person should never have to bear the weight of both their oppression and your education.  If you are curious about how to interact with autistic people, for example, then do a Google search and educate yourself.  Education is a huge part of practicing mutual respect for one another, and the internet makes it possible to research these easily.  If you need resources about a particular marginalized group, talk to the chaplain.

      • Sometimes, people within the marginalized community might correct you.  For example, you might use a slur or use the wrong pronoun.  Do not make a big deal about your error, but also remember that errors will happen.  You aren’t perfect and you won’t get it right all the time.  Rather than being defensive about the correction, simply apologize for the misstep and pledge to yourself to do better next time.  And if you need to, go home and practice!  Again, you might find some helpful resources online too.

      • Stand up for the marginalized people here at Canterbury.  It can be tiresome for marginalized people to exist in the world, and we want Canterbury to be as safe and as comfortable as possible for ALL people.  If you hear someone perpetuating harmful stereotypes, spreading misinformation, calling names, or devaluing the experience of those on the margins, please, as an ally, speak up and defend them so they don’t have to.  Also, please let the chaplain know about any behaviors along these lines because we will do our best to ensure, to the best of our ability, that further oppression of marginalized people doesn’t happen in this space. 

  •  Consider the needs and feelings of yourself and others.

    • Mutual respect in any community asks that people share their feelings and needs if they are comfortable doing so.  When other people choose to share a need or a feeling, they are sharing something very vulnerable.  Honor their sharing by empathetically listening and validating them.  You do not have to agree with them to show them this kindness, but if you feel comfortable doing so, be vulnerable and share your own needs and feelings too.  Ideally, both people will leave the conversation feeling heard and validated, which is so important to mutually respecting one another.

  •  Boundaries

    • As it turns out, expressing your needs and feelings is deeply important to keeping healthy boundaries in a community.  Healthy boundaries look like clearly communicating your needs and expectations, comfortably saying "no" when necessary, respecting your own space and time, being able to express your opinions without fearing judgment, and taking care of your own well-being even if it means declining invitations or setting limits with others; essentially, it's about establishing a clear line between your personal life and the influence of others, allowing you to maintain your autonomy and self-respect within relationships.   Just in case you were wondering, self-respect is very much key to mutual respect. Boundaries are what help us live in an intentional community in a healthy and self-respectful way.

    • You may think that a boundary needs to be placed with a lot of anger or bravado, but that is not true.  Setting personal boundaries has the best results when we are calm, clear, and concise in our request.  You don’t need a lot of bluster.  You don’t need a lot of explanation.   If you feel a lot of rage when setting a boundary, you may need to do some internal work to figure that out.  It might be the case that you are projecting onto the other person if you are feeling rather disproportional feelings about your interaction.  Remember, when setting boundaries, try to focus on the issue at hand with the person sitting in front of you.  Your main goal is to express yourself using I statements.  Describe the boundary violation in behavioral terms.  It often helps to explain how their behavior made you feel and the result their behavior had on you.  Then after describing the behavior, give clearly defined goals for the relationship in terms of that specific behavior.  For example: “I don’t like hugs. Please do not hug me anymore.”  It is best to choose a safe and quiet place and time to confront, but always do so with your safety in mind.  Make sure some people are around when confronting someone else.  (And, also, don’t confront people via text.  That can quickly devolve into an unproductive conversation.  Face-to-face conversations are ideal for confronting someone else.)  In the end, if you feel like you are not being heard, you need to approach the chaplain for mediation.

    • When you are confronted, try to remain calm.  Take responsibility for the way you made them feel.  In just a moment, we will address intention and impact.  Your intention may not have been to cause harm or offense, but that may have been the impact of your behavior, and you need to own that impact.  When you are confronted, do not try to win.  Avoid bringing up old history and listen to what they have to say with curiosity. Validate their feelings, and don’t counter-attack. In the end, try to understand what they are asking you to do.  Again, this is where curiosity can become your friend.  If you feel like you cannot fulfill their request because their boundary is inappropriate or harmful, you need to approach the chaplain for mediation.

    • There are seven different types of boundaries, including physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, financial/material, and time boundaries.  Remember, setting boundaries around these different areas of your life is not the opposite of love and respect.  Boundaries are the very meat of mutual respect and love.  When you set a boundary, you are asking to create an environment in which both you and the other person can exist and be valued at the same time.  The difficulty in creating boundaries is that those boundaries need to be worked out for both parties by giving and taking.  A commitment to boundaries doesn’t mean that you will get your way all the time.  A commitment to boundaries means that you work together to create an environment where both of you feel safe, valued, and heard.  A commitment to boundaries is a commitment to empathy for both you AND the other person.

    • As it happens, we are not always the most rational of beings.  Life would be a lot easier if we were.  Sometimes our beliefs about ourselves or others are based on views of life that are just not true, logical, or constructive.  This can make working out our boundaries difficult.  Just remember that setting boundaries requires a lot of internal work.  It requires you to question your beliefs about yourself, others, and how the world “should” work.  It requires you to love both yourself and the others you are in community with.  It requires you to accept the fact that you will not always get your way.  It requires you to take chances even when those chances make you feel uncomfortable.  Is this work hard?  Absolutely!  Is it worth it?  100%.   This is the only way you will ever achieve true connection and mutual respect with other people.

  •  Be aware of “intent/impact”

    • Someone may intend one thing with a comment, but the impact may be very different. Take responsibility for both parts of the equation. If something impacts you negatively, be willing to ask if that is what the person intended. Not all missteps are intentional, and not all errors require swift judgment and consequences.  Be willing to have a curious, empathetic, and vulnerable conversation with your fellow Canterburians about the harm or offense caused to you.  Remember to use “I” statements.  If you are on the receiving end of the confrontation, try to listen empathetically, apologize for the harm or offense caused, and even ask follow-up questions about what you could do differently next time.

    • Likewise, sometimes we hurt or offend people without intending to do so.  You are still responsible for the harm caused even if it wasn’t intentional.  Be curious.  If you have offended or harmed someone, ask questions to find out what you did and be ready to truly listen and change your behavior in the future.

  •  It’s Not OK to shame, blame, and attack self or others

    • Engaging our differences is something we want to do and that we benefit from, but shaming, blaming or attacking ourselves or others is not a helpful way of engaging difference. Agree not to shame, blame, or attack others or ourselves.

  •  Be sensitive to different communication styles

    • Be sensitive to the fact that introverts need a long period of time to think about questions.  When a question is posed, they may not answer or they may be the last to answer, and that is okay.  They are not disinterested, but they simply need time to think.  Introverts should never be required to speak if they do not wish to do so.  Also, be sensitive to the fact that extroverts need to think out loud.  When a question is posed, they may speak in incomplete thoughts or they may ramble for a while.  That is part of their process for externalizing their thinking. Be sensitive to the need of each communication style.  They are both valuable, and they are both needed.

  •  Confidentiality

    • What is shared in the group needs to stay in the group. Personal information is shared by the person who owns the information, feelings, and experiences; not by others, unless they have asked and received permission.

  •  One-to-One Conversations

    • The best way to address any anxiety (i.e., anger, fear, or shame) you are feeling about a relationship is to address that person directly.  Much damage can happen in a community when a person refuses to address the issue at hand and instead chooses to complain about the conflict with their friend group.  When you go to someone else, like other Canterburians, rather than the person you are in conflict with, the conflict can grow bigger in your mind than it actually is, and anxiety will swirl around the system in an unhealthy and toxic way.  If you have a problem with someone, have a one-to-one conversation with them before things get out of hand. Refrain from gossip, talking behind people’s backs, and complaining to other people.

    • We have already talked about addressing problematic behaviors directly.  As stated above, when engaging in a one-on-one conflict resolution, key rules include actively and empathetically listening to the other person's perspective, using I statements, focusing on the issue at hand, communicating clearly and respectfully, being open to compromise, taking responsibility for the impact of your behavior, and striving to find a mutually agreeable solution which may require certain boundary setting; essentially, prioritize understanding and collaboration over confrontation.

    • When having one-to-one conversations, try to avoid these problematic behaviors that do not support mutual respect in an intentional community: (1) personal attacks, (2) a defensive posture, (3) overgeneralizing (don't use broad statements like ‘you always do this’ or ‘you never listen’), (4) interrupting, (5) assuming bad intentions, (6) emotional outbursts, (7) blame shifting, (8) gas lighting/lying, (9) thinking of a comeback when others are talking, (10) stuffing your feelings down to avoid the conflict altogether, (11) mind-reading (instead of asking about the other's thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they ‘know’ what others are thinking and feeling), (12) try to “win” the argument, (13) character attacks, (14) stonewalling, and (15) reacting rather than responding.

    • If one-to-one conflict resolution fails, talk to the chaplain for mediation.

  • Norms of group conversation

    • When we are engaging in group conversations, the norms for behavior don’t vary much from everything that has been stated above.  Norms of group conversation include actively listening to others without interrupting, respecting diverse viewpoints, ensuring everyone has a chance to speak (if they want to), keeping comments concise and relevant, avoiding personal attacks, clarifying when needed, and being open to feedback, all while striving to maintain a respectful and inclusive environment where everyone feels heard and valued.

    • With that said, keep in mind these additional norms.  (1) Avoid cross talk.  Don’t have other conversations when other people have the floor.  (2) Be mindful of time and try to keep your responses concise.  (3) Don’t be a distraction. (4) Try building on other’s ideas. (5) Do your best to arrive on time in order to respect everyone’s time. (6) Try to be present with the people you are meeting with.  Put away your phones and ear buds so that people actually feel heard and seen. (7) Everyone is responsible for helping to stay on topic. Speak up if you feel like we’re getting off track and need to move an issue to the “kitchen.” (8) Aim for GETGO – good enough to go, not perfection. (9) Everyone is responsible for upholding the norms. Acknowledge if you notice we are not doing so.  (10) Chip in.  No one single person should be stuck doing the dishes or cleaning up after everyone else.  Do your part when you can.  (11) It’s OK to reflect and change your mind. 

  •  This is hard work

    • Living in an intentional community that honors mutual respect is hard work! It requires vulnerability, compassion, empathy, and a large dose of humility, and it requires you to do internal work about your feelings and thoughts that maybe you have never done before. We should honor the fact that this is hard work.  Tears will be shed.  Conflicts will happen.  Apologies must be made.  Egos will need to make room for others.  Compromise is a must.  Boundaries are an absolute.  Empathy is a requirement.

    • But, this work is worth it because these tools are what allow us to live in this community together.  These tools help us to develop the mutual respect that our community thrives upon so that we can go about our mission of showing God’s love to this world.

    • Because this work can be so difficult, it is best to do it together with a therapist.  If you are interested in therapy, the Texas Tech Counseling services are free to Texas Tech students.  If you would like more resources concerning therapy (including free therapists in Lubbock), please speak with the chaplain.

    • Again, this work can be difficult, and no one expects you to be perfect.  These guidelines will help us navigate the imperfections of human relationships.  We will all get it wrong at times, so it is important to enter into this community with humility, empathy, and compassion for both yourself and others.

    • With that said, if you cannot commit to this work, and you find this work to be stupid, worthless, unnecessary, beyond you, valueless, excessive, insignificant, etc., this community may not be the community for you.  When you commit to this community, understand that you are committing to this covenant, and you agree to treat each other with the respect and dignity that we all deserve.